Unexpected Comebacks
by Carrie'sFisher
Summary: This is a little something I wrote FOR FUN to show everyone how I picture the way the 'Granny's Diner' scene went down between Kristin Bauer and Lana Parrilla. They said it was pretty fun, funny, and intense. (Reposted from my old account "EvilChamer1547" from 2015) Rated M for Language.
1. The Call

**A/N: So, this is just a little something I wanted to do, since we couldn't get this little segment on the DVD bloopers. I was really wondering how this day on set went down and since we can't see it, I thought it'd be fun to write about it and hear everyone's thoughts on how I picture it. I know it probably won't be exactly the way it happened between Lana and Kristin, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Please leave your reviews after reading and let me know how you like it.**

* * *

Victoria walked into her hotel room around 12:30 on a dull Tuesday night. She smiled as she sat down on her bed, thinking of all the fun scenes she had filmed today. She already missed being on set, even though she was a bit whipped after a long day. She slid off her shoes and walked into the bathroom, getting ready for bed. She missed her kids, but knew that playing Cruella De Vil on "Once Upon A Time" would be so worth it once they'd finished filming and the fans, as well as her children, would get to see it. Her new friendships were blossoming and she couldn't wait to see Merrin, Kristin, or Lana on Thursday. They weren't scheduled to film another scene with all four of them until then and she was so excited to do so.

She finished getting ready for bed and she walked back into the main room of the hotel, sitting back down on the bed and getting under the covers. She had just gotten comfortable when her cell phone rang.

%&%&%&%&%%%%&%&%&%&&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&&%&&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&

Kristin Bauer van Straten slowly set her keys down on the stand next to her hotel room bed when she returned from filming a scene with Josh and Ginnifer. For some reason, she felt beat even though she knew they filmed a pretty relaxed scene tonight. She took off her heels and headed for the shower to get the hairspray out of her hair, making it easier to brush in the morning.

When she hopped out of the shower, she checked her cell for any text messages from either her dear husband, Abri, or her best friend, Alex whom she missed incredibly. She always felt a pain in her heart whenever she thought about being on the True Blood set and the tears would roam down her face. But being the strong woman she was, she would force herself not to think about it and focus on being Maleficent at the moment. She and Alex still texted and called from time to time but when they were both busy filming other projects, it was hard to keep in touch. They always missed each other and now, with filming "Once" as he filmed "The Legend of Tarzan," Kris understood that their careers were just as important as their friendship.

Plus, she noticed that she had begun making some new friends in Vancouver. Surprisingly, she would admit to loving the new role she had. It was a bit hard to step out of Pam's shoes at times, but she absolutely loved playing alongside the "Queens of Darkness," as the fans called them. Before returning to OUAT, she knew she'd get along well with Lana and Josh, as she had worked with them during season one. But she never knew that working with Vic and Merrin would be so much fun. She chuckled to herself, thinking how crazy those ladies were and how much fun they are. She laughed at filming the car scene on the train tracks, remembering when she and the other three mistresses of evil videotaped themselves singing "More Than A Woman" by the Bee Gees. Or at least...she thought it was the Bee Gees. She could never remember band names to save her life.

After brushing her golden locks, Kris sat down on her bed, looking over her schedule for the next couple weeks and going on Twitter to share some thoughts with her fans before bed. She laughed at a few tweets from "God" and sent out some posts encouraging her followers to donate to a couple charities. She texted her husband a "goodnight" and an "I love you" before answering the phone call she seemed to be getting from one of the OUAT directors.

%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&

"Why aren't you asleep, young lady?" Merrin asked her youngest over the phone as she stepped out of her car in the hotel parking lot. "Yes, I know. But Mommy's okay and you have school tomorrow." She listened to the four year old whine that she missed her as she yawned. "I miss you too, Sweetie. Give the phone to Daddy. Goodnight, I love you."

She sighed, entering the building and going up to her room as she spoke for a moment with her husband. She reached her room and hung up after telling him goodnight and she laid down on the bed, immediately dozing off.

She fell asleep for about twenty minutes when she awoke to "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes playing on her phone. Her go-to karaoke song set as her ringtone forced her wide awake to see the number on the screen that she recognized from earlier today, Ralph Hemecker, one of the "Once Upon A Time" directors.

%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&

"Alright, see you tomorrow, LP." Ginnifer said, leaving set with Josh. Lana waved at her with one hand as the other held the umbrella prop over her head. She began to walk towards the stage to hand in her props and change out of her Storybrooke costume. She left the umbrella up as it hadn't stopped raining.

"You guys drive safely, alright?" The Italian-Puerto Rican actress said to some crew members as they passed by.

"Yeah, you too Ms. Parrilla. Thank you." They all waved to her as they walked by and she finally reached the costume and prop studio.

She changed into her street clothes and returned the umbrella before getting ready to head to her trailer a couple yards away. After waking up at four in the morning today and not finishing until around midnight, she was excited to relax and lay down with Lola, her chocolate brown dog.

When she reached her trailer, she received a text message from her oldest step son, Jack Di Blasio, asking her advice about a new song he and Patrick, the middle boy, were starting to write for their band, "45 Spacer." She responded to the message as well as sending out an "I miss you" to her wonderful hubby, Alfredo, also known as Fred.

She changed and got ready for bed before laying down to secretly look at her Twitter followers' accounts and reading all the love she gets from them. She came across a couple hate tweets, but didn't think anything of them as she watched hundreds of people defending her and she laughed at a couple snarky remarks from William Shatner sent to Sean Maguire.

Suddenly, she was startled by a knock on her trailer door, and she leisurely stood to answer it. "Oh, hey Ralph."

"Hi, sorry to bother you. I know you're probably getting ready to sleep, but I thought it'd just be easier to come tell you since I was already here that tomorrow we're gonna reshoot the Granny's Diner scene with Cruella, Ursula, and Maleficent."

"Oh? Okay."

"We just...we played them back in the editing room and something just...it's not exactly where we want it yet, so we're gonna try and do it again tomorrow night around seven o'clock."

"Alright. No problem."

"Sorry again." He turned to get ready to leave.

"Oh no. It's alright. I'm usually up late anyways. Thank you." She waved as he walked away. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She went back inside, sighing as she looked for her script for Episode 15, wondering if she could remember those lines again. When she found the script she sat down on her little couch in the trailer beside a sleeping Lola and began to study her lines once again. After about five minutes, she got a group text from the "Queens of Darkness."

" _Hey, ladies."_ Was the first text from Victoria.

" _Hey."_ Merr answered.

" _Hello."_ From Kris.

" _You know about tomorrow night?"_ Lana responded.

" _Yeah. I was just going to ask you that."_ Kris replied to all three.

" _Yeah, I just got the call."_ Victoria sent.

" _You girls ready to do this again? Lol."_ Came from Merrin.

" _Well, of course, Love."_ Victoria answered, sending a wink face.

" _Is it sad that I hear Vic's Irish accent when she's texting us? Haha"_ Kristin wondered.

" _No. You can hear Victoria's accent when she's thinking."_ Merrin said with an attached laughing face.

" _Omg. Lmao."_ Lana texted back, flipping through the pages of her script.

" _It's not my fault, Dahling."_ Victoria sent a wink face with its tongue sticking out.

" _What do you think was wrong with the scene?"_ Lana wondered.

" _Ha! Probably everything."_ Kristin answered sarcastically.

" _Yeah. We all suck!"_ Victoria goofed.

" _Yeah, sorry Lana."_ Merrin joked.

" _Oh, nonsense. Lol It was probably me."_ The Regina Mills portrayer replied.

" _No."_ Vic answered.

" _Absolutely not."_ Merrin giggled behind her phone screen.

" _Hey, do you think I was being a little too...Pam? Hahaha"_ Kristin asked them.

" _Oh, but Pam is so good!"_ Merrin exclaimed, always lushing over her longtime friend.

" _No, I thought you were magnificent, Love."_ Victoria confessed.

" _Awww, thanks, Vic."_ Mrs. Bauer van Straten responded.

" _No, Kris you were wonderful. Maybe it was just all three of us. Haha"_ Lana sent.

" _Or perhaps Freddy Kreuger was doing a bad job?"_ Kristin jokingly suggested as they all had a conversation the other day about him joining the cast.

" _Lol Yeah, that's it. Robert Englund! You need to step it up!"_ Lana laughed.

" _Hahaha Guys, do you really think they could get him onto the show?"_ Victoria wondered.

" _Uh...Hell no!"_ Merrin stated. " _No way, ABC or Disney are gonna let Adam and Eddy add Freddy Kreuger to the fairytales. Haha"_

" _Yeah, well...At least we can fantasize about it."_ Victoria answered.

" _Just like the way you fantasize about Rumple and Cruella being a thing? Lol"_ Kris sent, remembering how much Victoria loves Robert.

" _Oh my God!"_ Lana added a crying laughing face.

" _Exactly, Dahling."_ Ms. Smurfit confessed with a hearteyes emoji.

" _Well, hey. If the fans can have their little non-canonball ships...or whatever it is that they call it, why can't Vic?"_ Merrin Dungey asked all three of them.

" _Exactly!"_ Victoria sent again.

" _Well, I think that Regina and Maleficent used to be together."_ Kris sent an emoji of a dragon and another of a crown.

" _Kris, this isn't HBO."_ Merrin joked.

" _Lmao."_ Vic sent.

Lana sent another crying laughing face and Kristin texted them a smirking face.

" _Well, I'm headed to bed."_ Victoria sent them.

" _Same here."_ Merrin replied.

" _Lol Goodnight, Ladies."_ Kristin texted.

" _Goodnight."_ From Merr.

" _Goodnight, Dahlings."_ From Victoria, obviously.

" _Lol Vic, you're never gonna get out of character with that, are you?"_ Merrin chuckled.

" _Of course not, Love."_ Vic sent another wink face.

" _Omg haha Goodnight."_ Merr sent again.

" _See you tomorrow, ladies. I'm up studying my lines."_ Lana sent the emoji with the monkey closing it's eyes.

" _Oh God, Lana. Do you ever quit?"_ Kristin asked.

" _Haha I guess not. Goodnight, girls!"_ Lana answered.

" _Goodnight."_ Kristin sent a smiley face with it's eyes closed and a heart.

Merrin sent back a heart before falling right to sleep. Lana sent a heart and a cute kissing face before returning back to looking at the script and Victoria sent the emoji with the winking kiss face that has a heart by the lips before laying in bed to TRY to sleep.


	2. Showtime

**A/N: Hey, sorry it took so long for me to update. Holidays are crazy, you know? Plus, I needed to find the right things for Kris to say and I did some research on things people from Brooklyn say for Lana. Lol (Pathetic, I know). But I wanted to make this as realistic as possible! Oh, and just remember that there are lots of really bad words in this. Lol And it's all a joke and I absolutely love both Kristin and Lana and Regina and Maleficent and Pam, as well. I don't think these things about any of them and I'm sure they don't either. This was just for fun as shooting that day was and also for the actors to get into character. Please, no hate. I really hope you enjoy this...and if I get some good reviews….maybe I'll add a third chapter, just 'cause. Maybe it'll be about the day after or the day they had the wrap party and watched this clip on the bloopers. Haha! Thanks for reading. MWAH!**

* * *

"Hey, Ladies."

"Hey, Ralph." Merrin, Victoria, Kristin, and Lana all said in unison as the director arrived on set at Granny's Diner.

"I think what we got of Lana outside was good from the last shoot. I kinda just wanna focus on what's going on in here between the four of you." The girls all nodded as he spoke. "Uh...we can start from the top where Regina walks in and the three of you are sitting over there. I, uh...I want you all to look at her like you might've just been caught doing something you shouldn't be, but you don't really give a fuck." Lana and Victoria laughed as Merr and Kris agreed.

"I like that." Merrin stated. "Like, 'bitch, what are you doing here?'"

"Yeah, like an 'oh great...it's her." Kristin added.

"Yeah, yeah. Exactly." Ralph replied. "And like, 'we'll kill you if we have to' kind of thing. I think we're gonna start with the shot on the three, uh, three mischievous ladies, then Lana we'll do your close up after."

"Yeah, okay." Victoria answered, fluffing her Cruella fur.

"So...places!" Ralph yelled and Kris, Merr, and Vic sat in the booth while Lana went outside, waiting for her cue to enter the diner. "Ready, and...action! The first camera angle landed on Cruella, Ursula, and Maleficent. Lana stepped inside like she owned the place and all were in character.

After a few shots and closeups on Kris, Merr, and Vic, Ralph complimented the ladies on their performances and then had the cameramen set up for Lana's entrance. He told her to walk in as if she were at the wedding in the 'Pilot' episode and look around as if she were expecting the diner to be in ruins. She did so and after a couple different takes, he decided they were great and it was time for the real action to begin. The tete-a-tete between Maleficent and Regina.

"I want in." Lana stated one of her lines in the middle of the conversation.

"Cut!" Ralph, interrupted and got out of his chair, rubbing his chin.

Lana awkwardly shrugged her shoulders, biting her bottom lip and Kristin looked to Ralph. "I'm sorry." Parrilla said.

"No, no. It's not you." Ralph rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You're both doing a great job, it's just….it's too…" He made a gesture with his hand. "It's too nice. I just...I need more. More, uh…."

"More bitchy?" Kristin wondered, with a smirk.

"Yeah, well not just more bitchy, I kind of...I wanna feel a sort of tension between you two. Like…"

"Like sexual tension?" Lana laughed and Vic and Merr chuckled from the booth.

"Well, not really. Kind of...like a, a, a violent tension. Like, one of you could just start choking the other and it wouldn't be a surprise." Hemecker suggested.

"Oh." Merrin exclaimed in the background.

It took Ralph a moment to think about what might motivate them and then it hit him….They're actors! "Rolling!" He said to the cameramen. "I've got an idea." The camera operator obeyed and Ralph looked to Kris and Lana. "Okay, what I want you to do is just go at it."

"Go at it?" Kristin laughed.

"Yes, just….be a bitch to each other. Right now. Just say whatever comes to mind. You can threaten each other...call each other names, say them in character, whatever. Just don't physically harm one another." He laughed. "You can scream, shout, yell, whatever. You two are friends, right?"

Lana giggled. "Yes." Kris nodded.

"Okay, good. So you know it'll just be acting, but go ahead. We'll keep the cameras rolling so that way, when I see the tension I need we'll pick right up with Maleficent saying, 'So that's why you think I'm back' and, yeah. Go ahead." He sat back down behind the camera and folded his arms over his chest, saying aloud. "This will be fun." He smiled.

Lana and Kristin stood there for a moment, laughing and trying to figure out how to start. They looked to each other, silently agreeing this was just for fun and boy, it would be! "Hmmm…" Lana began. "Kristin Bauer van Straten…" She said with a snarky tone.

"What the fuck do you want, Lana?" Kris replied. Merrin and Victoria giggled at the booth.

"This is gonna be so entertaining." Vic whispered to the woman across from her. Merr nodded and returned her attention to the two.

"Bitch, don't talk to me like that!" Lana snapped, her expression fighting back a smile.

"'Bitch?'" Kris said as if she were taken aback.

"Yeah. 'Bitch!'" Parrilla repeated.

Kris looked to Ralph and he had his hand on his chin, squinting as if to see if it were good enough. He then gestured his hand as if to say 'give me more.' Kristin looked back to Lana and they both laughed again. "Uh, if you two need a minute to get into it, that's fine." Ralph finally said, noticing the tension was more awkward than violent.

Kris nodded and she headed back toward the booth talking to Vic and Merr while Lana stepped away to get into her Evil Queen mode and a makeup artist fixed a stray strand of her hair. "Hey." Kristin whispered to Smurfit and Dungey. "Should I do it?" She smiled down at them and Victoria wasn't quite sure what she meant. She looked across the table and saw Merrin's eyes light up immediately.

"Oh my God! You gotta do it!" Kristin's longtime friend encouraged. Upon seeing Merr's excitement, Vic knew exactly what she meant...go Pam on Lana.

"Ooooo. Yes, Darling. Please do." The Irish actress smiled. Kris fought back a giggle and closed her eyes, smiling. "Oh, I can't wait to see her reaction." Vic whispered in a chuckle and Merrin nodded.

Mrs. Bauer van Straten thought back to her days on the True Blood set and she remembered the southern drawl and apathetic attitude of Pamela Swynford de Beaufort. Taking a breath, she smirked at the other two one last time before turning around to go back to her mark. As she reached it, a makeup artist fixed her lipstick and adjusted her hat before Lana returned to her mark as well. Just before she opened her mouth, she looked over her shoulder sending one last smile and wink at Vic and Merr before returning her attention to the clueless Latina standing right in front of her, unaware of where this would go. "Okay, listen you fucking cunt...I don't know who you think you are, but no one calls me a 'bitch.'" The southern drawl came out easier than she had expected and she was waiting for Lana to either laugh, stand there in shock, or react badly to being called a cunt, even though she knew Lana was such a pro.

But out of nowhere, within milliseconds, Lana had her own unexpected comeback...but not as Regina, nor the Evil Queen….but as herself from the streets of Brooklyn where she had grown up and was raised for sixteen years. "I don't who the fuck you think you're talking to, you southern bo-nasty!"

Merrin and Victoria themselves were in shock, but they each were about to jump up, hooting and hollering, but they didn't want to ruin the moment, so they stayed quiet, shooting eyes at each other with wide smiles on both their faces. "Oh, this is gonna be good!" Merrin whispered and Vic nodded in agreement before returning her attention to the duo to see what Kris would say next.

Now the one in shock, Kristin had to try and think of something right away as she didn't expect Lana's Brooklyn accent to come out...at least not that fast. But, great in character, she thought of something Pam would say soon enough. "What in the actual fuck is a bo-nasty, you fucking skank?"

"It's pretty much a dirty hoe." Lana answered matter-of-factly, pretending to chew gum obnoxiously.

Kris chuckled as if Pam would and took it almost as a compliment, the way the vamp would. "Hmmm...a hoe? Maybe. But dirty, no! Why don't you go back to your vault and fuck Forest Boy again?"

"You know you're a real scootch sometimes."

Kris raised an eyebrow. "Speak English, hon. What the fuck is a scootch?"

"A scootch is a pain in the ass, biotch!" Lana answered, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous this felt.

"I'M the pain the ass?" Lana nodded, with a hostile look on her face. "Well, you're a pain in the vagina." Kristin got closer to Lana's face. "And not in the good way."

Merrin and Victoria were almost crying from keeping their laughter in by now and Ralph sat forward in his chair, extremely interested in where this was going. All the crew members were trying their hardest to stay quiet as well and everyone had a huge grin on their faces.

"Why don't you kiss my ass!" The Brooklynite stated.

"Why don't I bite your fucking face off?" Kris had no clue where that one came from, but she suspected it was the hostile side of the greatly missed vampire.

"Go choke on a tit."

"Go choke on a DICK!"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck YOURSELF!"

"You can do better than that." Lana knew, really getting to a place where she might burst out in laughter.

"I'm not so sure you could handle it." Kris did one of her sarcastic, sweet smiles, tilting her head to the side as if pittying Lana.

"Pussy!" The Regina Mills portrayer suggested.

"Twat!"

"Bring it, slut!"

"I plan to, whore!" _How long was Ralph gonna let this go on?_ Kristin wondered in her head. She felt an extreme amount of tension, but perhaps the fact that they were both on the verge of laughing was the reason he didn't feel there yet. She decided to maybe up the stakes a little, so it wouldn't last all night. "You know, if you acted anymore like a pretentious fuckface, I'd say you had a stick stuck up your ass."

"You gotta lot a shit witchoo speaking to me like that, Blondie! I've got no time for your bullshit, you hoowah."

Kristin actually did know what that Brooklyn phrase meant and she glared at the shorter woman, responding with haste. "How many times must I tell someone that I ain't no prostitute. That was back in 1905, alright?"

Lana smirked, looking her up and down. "Hmmm...Well, you sure do dress like a pimp."

"Jealous of my clothes?" Kristin gently touched her hat. "They were made especially for me."

"As were mine." Lana pulled down her leather jacket.

"Good for you, Dear." Kristin answered sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. "We're all happy for ya." She truly did love speaking in Pam's accent.

"You know, if it weren't for Pam...you would've never blown up as much as you did." Lana's cheeks got red, knowing what was coming and immediately regretting saying that.

A loud, boisterous Pam laugh escaped Kristin's lips. "If it weren't for Regina, YOU would've never blown up as much as you did."

Merrin and Victoria each gave each other nervous looks, but they were instantly relieved when Ralph cut them off. "Alright, alright, ladies. Down!" He laughed. "Perfect! Now….Maleficent's first line…"

* * *

 **A/N: Well, I hope you liked it. If you have any comments or suggestions let me know in the review section. Oh, and just in case you didn't get it, "blown up" means to get famous. Lol To all my Twitter followers, thanks for putting up with me. Hahaha! Please, readers really, leave some reviews because they motivate me to keep writing! Love you all! MWAH! (P.S. I'll say it again, this was all a joke. Lana and Kristin are extremely talented and they're both my idols and a huge inspiration to me! Don't take this fic the wrong way).**


End file.
